What's cookin'?

Now for a few thousand well chosen words about the culinary arts. First, let me list the things in the food world that we can easily do without:
1. Garlic. This foul weed seems to find its way into everything we cook and everything we order at restaurants. It smells bad. It tastes bad. It makes you smell bad. On the other hand, it is an excellent birth control device.
2. Anchovies. While I really like most fish, the anchovy doesn't really seem to be a fish. It is more like some vermin from the sea. A water-borne cockroach. Anchovies taste like a big scoop of dirt. TV chefs think these wretched little beasts are wonderful. They are wrong. The only use I have ever found for anchovies is as bait.
3. "Al Dente". My ancestors spent numerous generations learning to cook food so it is done. Al dente is not done. It is under cooked. If I want to chew something crunchy, I'll eat an apple. You may COOK my pasta, please.
4. Complex recipes. These recipes are presented to us as something the home cook can easily accomplish. LIES!!! Most of them are multi-ingredient masterpieces that require exotic fruits and/or vegetables and meats that can only be obtained on safari. Some ingredients are not now, never have been, and never will be available to the general public. These recipes describe techniques and equipment found only in 5 star restaurants. Preparations times vary between 5 hours and 5 days. Who has the time?
5. Strange foreign words. Most TV chefs deem it necessary to use phrases and descriptions that are totally foreign to 99% of the American people. We can't tell what the hell they're talking about. I am sure that they could use plain english in their descriptive presentations. Like lawyers, they seem to be unable to speak clearly in understandable english.
6. How many of you guys have 5 ovens, 6 cook tops, a grill, a buit-in deep fryer, a broiler and 50 square feet of counter space. None of you? Gee, I'm shocked. You probably don't have $5000 worth of pots and pans either.

And now for the Delano weather report: It sucks.